Living with Fear

The places we visit are amazing. Yesterday I caught the bus from the port of Folegandros  to the Chora or main village. When I taught yr 7 History I described the acropolis in the city states in Ancient Greece and asked them why they thought the Greeks chose to build their villages there. When you travel to these islands you can see why- from the top of the hill you can see all around the island yet you are in a highly defensive position. This is true of Folegandros.

Yet as we sit here in this tiny port I am filled with fear. Over-nighting to Crete. Blogging is about communicating – to oneself and to others- this blog is the need to express this fear to someone else.

Sailing to me has always been a fraught experience. I have enjoyed the thrill of whooshing over the water in our cats or tris. But the issue has always been about …leaning as you do in a mono hull. I feel as if I am going to fall into the water and if on the wheel, as if the whole boat is going to take me over the side. My eyes also are a problem. Seeing lights imaginary an other wise in the dark.

Yes I am proud of what I do. The deck is my domain. I can get out to the granny bars and reef in force 5s or 6- never been any higher!! But put me on to the wheel and I feel as if my life is endangered.

The boat has always been transport. Sailing in light winds is pleasant and slow. Bluster and waves and I am holding to any point of solid boat I can, usually a winch.

Fighting this- how? Fear is a terrible thing. It is debilitating. Steve says he wont ask me to do anything I am uncomfortable with but- keep the course, being told to me in raised tones( so I can hear) , I can't do it. Fear.

I talk to my friends and family about our life and fear rarely raises its head- my old enemy. But I am finding it increasingly hard to resist it. I am chronically anxious. What to do?

Yes writing about it validates it, talking about it validates it … but it is palpable for me. I speak to my kids about weddings, essays or travel plans and my fears I never express. I don’t think they realise.

This , next to leaving my marriage, living without my children has been the hardest thing. It is a physical sensation. Was it because of car accidents I have had- that out of control- falling feeling? Does wondering even help? Probably not.

So sailing…. Yes interesting places we visit- but for me they begin to pail when fear grips me literally -by the throat.